Been there, done that, got the wedding ring
Jana Polsky Deneroff
A bride plans a party…a wife plans a lifetime. Even with the best-laid plans, life throws a curve every now and then, so be prepared. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It requires more than mere love and affection. You need patience, courage, faith, humor and an unwavering commitment to treasure the norms and weather the storms. Remember, there are no magic potions, no secret formulas. Marriage is what you make it, and, like the snowflakes of winter, no two are alike. three wives — all at different stages of marriage, and all with their own unique take on the meaning of being married. Shelby, 21 Married one year; no children The first year — euphoria or hysteria? “Craig and I practically grew up together. I was 14 when we started dating. The only big problem we had after getting married concerned ‘space.’ He had to learn to share it. Reality sunk in after he figured out that I was not leaving after the weekend to go back to my own apartment! While he is very meticulous and likes everything in its place, I’m more laid-back. It took us about eight months to iron out those annoyances and learn how to work together and compromise.” Comforts…and “Our greatest challenge is my lack of patience. I have to learn how to be comfortable with where we are at this point in our lives — both socially and professionally--instead of always being in a hurry for everything to happen fast.” Joy “I love that we spend so much more time together now that we’re living together. Our sex life is still kicking! I think, in general, a woman worries about losing the intimacy between her husband and herself. This is another thing on your list to constantly work on together. I’ve seen relationships that were complete disasters. Those couples were trying to make something out of nothing. When a couple has magic, it’s apparent to everyone. Craig and I have magic. We click so well together and want the same things out of life. Not everyone has that, but we do. That is my reward!” My Marriage in One Word Ideal. Advice to new brides “First, enjoy the wedding process. It’s actually extremely fun. But realize that once you are married, things will be very different. Take each situation — good or bad — and talk it through. After all, he will be your sidekick for the next 50 or more years.” Kathy, 39 Married eight years; has two daughters The first year — bliss or a miss? “The first year of our marriage was great fun. We had dinner parties, ran in the park together, went to movies. It was as if we were still single, only now we were always together. It was harder adjusting to being married and working. I had — and still have — a demanding job, and I was used to working until late at night. My husband didn’t understand my dedication, so I learned to work harder during the day and less at night.” From marriage to carriage “After the baby was born, we had less ‘together time’ because I also continued to work. Our ‘alone time,’ which usually began around 10pm, became more about doing crossword puzzles and reading in bed because we were always so tired. The greatest challenge we have? Agreeing on child-raising issues. I want to do things the way my parents did them and he wants to do things the way his parents did. We struggle to come up with creative alternatives. But the biggest reward of our marriage by far is our two daughters.” It’s a Good Thing “The best thing about marriage is having a partner to share all my feelings – all the irritations, annoyances and the funny, sweet moments. He and I have the same political views, so it’s nice to become righteously indignant at world affairs together.” My Marriage in One Word Partnership. Advice to new brides “Be flexible! If there are issues where you won’t bend, let him know as soon as you can. Don’t sweat the stupid things, like socks on the floor. My husband leaves his shoes all over the house, but when I see the way he cares for our daughters, nothing else matters.” Lisa, 41 Married 16 years; has four daughters Through the years: Evolution or Revolution? “Our first year was special, full of fun and discovery. What really surprised me were our arguments. They were ridiculous — like how to wash the dishes. His mother never ran the water; my mother did. In our marriage, my husband’s the neat one, not me. Through the years, this is our continual challenge to overcome. When he gets fed up with me, he cleans a closet!” Planned Parenthood After we settled in for a couple of years, we decided to have children, which totally unsettles you for the next 21 years! The focus became them instead of us. We’ve both become more serious. Being a parent is an awesome and never-ending responsibility. It’s hard finding time to be sweethearts. I run my own business from home, and with four daughters involved in multiple activities (17 places, 34 trips — five days a week!), plus homework, I can’t even spell ‘together time’ let alone try to experience it. It’s only when we get a chance for a night out alone that we realize how much fun we still have together.” Reaping the Rewards “There is no feeling in the world like that of being loved. My husband is a very passionate and tender lover. Though he is not very verbal with his love, he takes care of me. He knows me inside and out. Isn’t that what we all want — someone who loves and accepts us for who we are? When he holds my hand, I feel safe.” Older and Wiser “I don’t believe in regrets. We have each other, a wonderful extended family, great kids, terrific friends and neighbors, good health and happiness. That may sound corny and I do not feel this way all the time, but today I do. I’ll have to paste this to my refrigerator to remind myself of my blessings.” My Marriage in One Word Complete.