Big On Ceremony
Cindy Hatcher
Sure, it’s fun to choose some of the creative aspects of your wedding the dress, the cake, the flowers—but some decisions, such as who will officiate your wedding, may require you and your fiancé to put your heads (and hearts) together to make sure you’re both on the same page, spiritually speaking. Whatever type of ceremony you choose, you may be wondering how to find an officiant who fits your individual needs.
We’ll answer some of the most frequently asked questions with the help of Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway, an interfaith minister and non-denominational wedding officiant, and author of Wedding Goddess: A Divine Guide to Transforming Wedding Stress into Wedding Bliss.
What’s the first step in
planning the spiritual aspects of my wedding?
Sit down with your partner and discuss what type of wedding you want to have (especially if you’re combining two religions or cultural backgrounds) before you talk to your parents. Decide if you want a primarily religious, spiritual, or traditional ceremony, and determine where you would like the event to take place (a church vs. local garden or beach, for example, will have very different requirements for who presides over your ceremony), a deciding factor that can dicdictate many other aspects of the planning process. If you’re planning a religious ceremony, keep in mind that your location and desired officiant(s) may be unavailable around major religious holidays. Would you like the ceremony to focus on your love and relationship, with some aspects of religion or culture from each side of the family, or do you see your ceremony as a full blown blending of two faiths, two cultures, and two families?
Once you’ve determined these important elements, meet with both sets of parents (if possible) and the officiant(s) you plan to use. This way, everyone is able to feel like he/she has the opportunity to weigh in on the aspects of the ceremony that are individually important. Also, having the officiant(s) there helps take the pressure off and lessen the questions thrown at you.
What should we consider when choosing an officiant for our ceremony?
The most important thing to keep in mind is that you’ll want one that is willing to work with you and is open to your ideas for your wedding; and who can help you reflect what you feel about your relationship with your fiancé, your feelings about marriage, and your religious beliefs. Seek out family and friends who held similar ceremonies and ask for their officiant recommendations.
If religion is a major part of both your lives, then choose an officiant from each faith whenever possible. “But if you’re essentially a spiritual yet non-religious couple ple that wants to include elements of each faith, then opt for an interfaith, all-faith, or non-denominational minister,” Brockway says. These officiants do not have to adhere to one faith and are not restricted by religious protocol.
Many officiants these days are becoming increasingly comfortable including and blending cultural elements. Though if you go the more traditional route, you may find some religions are less forgiving of blended ceremonies. Some Catholic priests, for example, may not agree to marry a couple unless they’ve participated in premarriage counseling, while some religions may require baptism or even conversion before your wedding day. Despite this, if you plan ahead and have an open dialogue with your officiant(s), you should be able to have the wedding you want with both of your spiritual beliefs adequately represented. “There is a way to create a ceremony that celebrates your love, honors your families, and includes everyone,” Brockway says.
We’re planning a “blended” ceremony. How do I make sure we’re both equally represented?
Since planning a wedding helps teach the art of compromise, let that be your guide. If religious traditions are important to your fiancé, but not so much to you, let him have priority over choosing the officiant and texts read at your ceremony. Look for ways to represent your background in elements like traditional foods, music, or dance. This way, guests will be exposed to your unique traits as individuals as well as get a glimpse of how uniquely you blend together. “Many interfaith and intercultural couples essentially seek a non-religious ceremony that celebrates their cultures and, more importantly, the blending of their families,” Brockway says.
For couples who don’t find religion to be a priority, there are some sacred texts that can have meaning outside the traditional ceremony. “Have a beautiful Cabalistic reading from the Zohar about soul mates, or a Buddhist reading about compassion,” Brockway recommends. “I say whatever empowers you is what you should include—even if it comes from a tradition other than yours or his!”
How do we incorporate religious ideas and themes if we’re marrying in a location other than a church?
“First of all, I believe that a chapel can be created anywhere,” Brockway says. “So know that your wedding can be sacred whether it is under a tree, on a beach, or in a hotel ballroom—love is what makes it sacred.” Brockway recommends ways to represent your spiritual side by selecting the rituals that mean something to you, regardless of where you wed: From the Christian tradition of lighting unity candles, the Catholic passing of peace, the seven blessings over the wine from Judaism, or even a Hawaiian sand ceremony if you marry on the beach.
What are some creative ways we can represent our different cultures in our modern wedding?
If you haven’t already done so, take this as an opportunity to learn more about your partner's religion or background. It may even spark fun, creative ideas that add a special touch to your ceremony.
For example, if your partner's culture includes a festive wedding dance that's unfamiliar to you, sign up for lessons or-even better-have one of his family members teach you together. Not only will laughing and learning together help ease pre-wedding tension, taking these additional steps will show your partner that representing his heritage is equally important to you.