Honey, we need to talk...
Janel Bladow
Where else but on TV sit-coms do a husband and wife resolve complex problems in less than 30 minutes? Tune into this reality: you won’t likely tackle those universal couple clashes in any record time. However, by talking them out with your groom before walking down the aisle, you’ll have fewer surprises later on.
Just what are some of those hot button topics? Psychotherapist and couples counselor Ellen Weber, A.C.S.W. has been dispensing marital advice in New York City for more than 27 years. Below, she suggests asking each other these eight vital questions:
1. Do you want kids? Maybe you both want them but do you agree on when? Some couples jump into parenthood too soon. “Be sure to become a couple first, and then plan on when you want to start a family,” says Weber. Another related issue: Who will raise the children and how. Be sure to discuss how you each envision your future parenting styles. Will your husband be a hands-on dad or does he see raising kids as women’s work? If he already has kids, what is your exact role in their lives? “These may not be things you want to talk about now but better to get an idea of what he expects from you sooner than later,” Weber advises.
2. Who’s got the money? Finances are one of the most fiery of the hot button issues. (See page 26 for article What Every Woman Needs to Know About Her Husband’s Money.) First sort out whether or not you’ll have “his and her” bank accounts. Or do you open one joint account for household and shared expenses then pocket the rest of your income in separate private accounts? Financial experts suggest that you discuss how the bills will be paid and how much you’ll put aside for savings or bigger items each week before deciding on how much to spend on a honeymoon.
3. What is our religion? Couples with completely different faiths can have successful unions, says Weber. The biggest conflict comes with children, even if both parents share the same religion. How religious are each of you? Does that mean you’ll attend services every week or only on holidays? Will the kids go to religious schools or Sunday school? Will they be your religion , his, or be raised, for example, as both Catholic and Jewish.
4. What kind of fighter are you? Talk about how you deal with conflicts. According to Weber, “In most disagreements, our buttons get pushed and we become defensive and hostile, or we shut down and not discuss the problem. Men tend to close down then blow up later. Women want to talk, but get upset and become critical. This just leads to more conflict.” Discuss how you will deal with differences and make an attack plan long before there’s a major war in your home. For example, you may make a pact to never go to bed angry and to at least kiss before closing your eyes.
5. Can we openly talk about sex? Couples may already be sexually intimate, but when it comes to talking about sexual issues, that’s challenging. “Certain people have problems being specific about what they want sexually,” says Weber. Learn what your partner wants now – this may include activities that make you squeamish. One great tool to get the discussion started is with the book 237 Intimate Questions, by Laura Corn. It’s loaded with sexy, wild and fun conversation starters on every sexual topic imagined.
6. How do you see your role in this partnership? Are you the CEO or a Consultant? “You need to work out the balance between work and family, even if it’s 80-20,” says Weber. He may be a workaholic who only gives on weekends. Or he may see you as a stay-at-home mom once the kids arrive. What responsibilities will you each have, down to the smallest issue such as who takes out the garbage and when?
7. What are your goals in life? Does he want to go back to school, work as a political activist or make a million dollars? Do you want to get your Masters, switch your career, or be a stay-at-home mom? What if only parts of these dreams come, what then? “You don’t want either one of you to become resentful because you each got sidetracked due to marriage and/or family commitments,” says Weber. Discuss your goals and how they fit into your lives together.
8. Where do you want to live? Many couples today come from different cities, states, or even countries. Are you going to live near your family, his, or neither? Where will you spend the holidays – with his family, yours, home together or with friends? Are you willing to relocate for one of your jobs?
The final word: “Don’t feel as if you have to have a final answer for all these questions before you get married,” concludes Weber. “This is just a good place to start, a great way to get your couple communication off on the right foot. You’ve started talking about the things that matter to both of you. Your answers will evolve as you grow as people and as a couple.”