Your Sticky Situation
Rachel Seligman
As a soon-to-be bride, you may have read every single bridal magazine and book you could find. But no matter how much you think you’ve got covered, there are bound to be etiquette questions that pop up unexpectedly. It may be your big day, but it’s also a big deal for your family and friends - and you’ll want to be sure they feel special to be part of your wedding.
To help you ensure nobody is offended, we turned to Peggy Post, granddaughter of etiquette maven Emily Post and author of Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette, 5th Edition. “Weddings can present many joyful, but also some stressful moments,” says Post. “No matter what you’re going through, try to always apply the principles of etiquette: Be honest, respectful, and considerate of the people who are helping you - whether they are family members, friends, or wedding professionals.”
Not sure how to deal with some sticky wedding situations? Read on for Post’s tips and advice on how to host a wedding where nobody’s feelings get hurt - especially yours.
Situation: The bride and groom want a fancy rehearsal dinner that includes out-of-town guests, but the party in mind is way out of the budget.
Solution: Ask nicely, or go more low-key.
Traditionally, the wedding rehearsal dinner was just that - a rehearsal run of the wedding, followed by a small dinner with the wedding party, plus their spouses and the officiant. But in the last 10 years, this event has grown, says Post. “And many times it’s used to entertain out-of-town guests.”
Who’s paying for the rehearsal dinner is a main element in planning it. “If it’s the bride and groom, they are free to plan whatever they like,” says Post. However, if the groom’s parents are footing the bill, as is traditionally done, it’s their choice of how much they want to spend. “Ask, don’t tell, when it comes to making a request for a larger rehearsal dinner. And make sure you respect the answer,” says Post.
No matter who’s paying, there are many ways to have a less elaborate affair. Reconsider the venue. Instead of a reception hall, you could host it at a restaurant. You might also see if a relative can have it at his or her spacious house, and throw a wine and cheese or dessert party. These options will let you have a fun, casual event, plus allow you to accommodate more people.
Situation: During the wedding planning, one parent is having a little too much input - and seems to be trying to take over.
Solution: Listen with an open mind.
What this parent may be asking for is a little respect, and the answer may be simply lending an ear. Give your parents - all of them - the courtesy of listening with an open mind. They deserve your consideration. And that holds true no matter who’s paying - even if it’s you and your fiancé.
Whether the parents are paying or not, Post suggests that the bride and groom try to use at least one or two of the parents’ ideas. Of course, that doesn’t mean the parents should dictate everything. “The parents shouldn’t monopolize the wedding because they’re paying, but they should have their ideas considered,” says Post. “Planning a wedding takes a lot of communication, and a lot of give and take.”
Situation: The bride’s best friend and sister both want to be maid of honor.
Solution: Find a simple, fair way to choose.
There are lots of methods you can use to make the decision easier. First, if one of the candidates is married, she can be the matron of honor while the other is maid of honor. If that doesn’t work, you’ll simply have to come up with a reason to choose one of them - and let them know why. For example, you might tell your best friend that your sister, as a blood relative, is first in line for the honor. However, if there’s a big age difference between you and your sibling, let her know that you’d like the maid of honor to be closer to your age.
Finally, you might break things down to their simplest level - flip a coin while both of them are there. It’s an easy and fair way to choose, and nobody should have cause to be offended.
Situation: The groom has four sisters, and the bride wants only one as a bridesmaid.
Solution: Make your own decision, but be fair and balanced.
Though it’s a good idea to include the groom’s sisters in the wedding party, if he has a big family that can be tough, since you probably want your own friends or sisters as bridesmaids, too. “Overall, try to use the ‘all or none principle’,” says Post.
“Have all of the groom’s sisters in your party, or none of them. That may be the fairest way.”
However, if you have to choose, think about your relationship with your groom-to-be’s siblings. If you’re very close to one, it might make sense to have her as a bridesmaid and not the others. If you’re equally close to all of them, try to be fair. Ask them to draw straws, and assign other wedding duties to those who won’t be in the bridal party. There are many other important roles to fulfill, such as reading a prayer or poem at the ceremony, being in charge of the guest book, or ushering in guests.
Situation: After guests RSVP, they call and ask if they can bring dates, or children.
Solution: Be kind, but firm.
As anyone planning a wedding knows, whittling down the guest list may be the most difficult task to do. And after that, it’s all about the numbers you need to give to the venue and the caterer, which makes adding people after the list is complete difficult. “For that reason, you need to let people know - firmly, but kindly - that if their name is on the invitation they’re invited; if it’s not, they’re not,” says Post. So, if a guest writes “plus kids” on their RSVP card, that might mean calling them and saying: “I’m sorry, but we’re not having children under a certain age at the wedding, and we can’t make any exceptions or we would have to do that for everyone.” For those who call asking if they can bring a date, or write “and guest” on the RSVP card, call with the same message: The guest list is set, and there are no exceptions.
Tackling awkward etiquette situations that may arise while planning your wedding shouldn’t throw you off center. Take a deep breath and think of how you’d feel in the other person’s shoes. Remember, they are your loved ones who you want there to share in your happiness on the best day of your life.